Nothing on my own.

When I decided to leave from France to Finland, I didn’t think about the details. When I packed my things, I took my clothes and personal items. But I left a lot of things, and first of all: The apartment where I had lived last 3 years, and my Independence of last 8 years.

First I was excited to live back home with my sister and a little with my mom too. And the first month it was okay, because I had just arrived and everything old was new, and we were all happy to be together. And we still are. Kind of.

After 2,5 months I’ve started to miss my own things. My apartment where I was used to live just like I wanted, and do things just on my own way. And it’s funny how all items in my moms house, have became common. We share EVERYTHING in the house now.

Since we are young, we used to steel borrow clothes from each others closets, especially me and my sister. Usually we did it secretly and ,God, if we noticed that the other one had used the others t-shirt or what ever, we got so angry! Last years in Paris we did the same but with more tact and recycled a lot of things, in good terms, like with friends. When we moved from places to others we gave things for the other and said “keep them until I need them back”… This meant tables, chairs, books, decorative items… What ever.

But since we both moved to Finland this year, we’ve been sharing our childhood house, which is especially our moms house now. We also share our moms kitchen items, towels, sheets, closets… Everything that USED to be ours when we were small and lived here, but it’s not really ours anymore. Because when we will move out from here again, we will not take those things with us. AND we share our clothes, our jewelries, shampoos, toothpastes, food, nail-polish…Everything.

For some it could sound fun. And practical. But on some moments when you see your sister wearing the skirt you were planning to wear today, you hate her. But you don’t say anything because at the same time you are wearing her jacket. When you’ve bought something special from the supermarket and planned to cook it tomorrow, but forgot to tell about your plans, you’ll not find it in the fridge anymore.

Fine. We should communicate more.

And we do. A little at least. Last time we talked about the situation we just came to the conclusion that it’s very different to live with a boyfriend or with a flatmate than with a family member. I will not describe the differences, because I can’t. It’s just not the same.

And for me, it’s not only the relationship with my family members which is frustrating me. It’s that I have nothing on my own anymore. I’m wondering if my ex is using my auto-cooker, my blender, my electric kettle and what have he done about my beautiful dishes I had bought from “Maison du Monde”, or the sheets and towels I collected last years…? I know, many of you are maybe thinking, “why in the hell you left all that!” Or “it’s just material”. And that’s the thing. It’s just items. And I had a very small budget for the moving so less things to send, less money to spend!

I’m not saying that I miss those items. I’m kind of waiting to get a work and be able to move out from my moms house. Again.  But at the same time I think about all the things I’ll need to buy. Again. And I’m not very materialistic… I hate having too much things, especially because I’ve been packing often lately.

I’ve always said that I feel easily at home where-ever I go. And for the first time, maybe because this is too much at home, I get frustrated and get very mixed feelings about living here, and about sharing everything.

Featured image

One of the few things which is MINE and I took with me from France.


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