The last week-end was suppose to be happy. It was my last week-end at home in many months and I was suppose to enjoy the time with my friends and family, and be happy.
And I did, I went to Helsinki Friday and spent the evening with my very dear friend… Talking a lot, drinking some wine and eating good cheeses… Around midnight we decided to go to sleep. She was already in her room and I was checking my Facebook quickly before going to sleep. I saw a status of a friend who talked about 60 people dead in Paris. I immediately remembered last January and Charlie Hebdo attacks, I was still in Paris on that time. I started to scroll more my Facebook, and had a terrible feeling growing inside… Then I saw all the other statuses and articles about the attacks in Paris.
But the news were very confusing, unclear. It was difficult to understand what was happening exactly… More I read, more I felt bad. I started to send messages to my friends in Paris. I got answers that everybody were alright… I decided to go to sleep and check the news better next day. I still wasn’t sure what was exactly happening, but understood that it was very serious.
When I woke up at 9 am Saturday morning I saw immediately that the amount of dead had grow from 60 to 120! I started reading news again, this time I couldn’t avoid tears coming from my eyes…
And that’s how I spent the whole week-end. I was with my friends in Helsinki and Tampere, but my heart was in Paris the whole time. Each time I saw the news or went to Facebook I wanted to cry again, my heart was tightened and I had all the time growing head-ache. I was talking with my friends in Paris and was relieved to hear that everybody were okay. But when I heard that one friend had loose someone, or that others were suppose to be exactly on the critical area Friday-night, but because the boyfriend was going to work early next morning, they stayed at home… I realized how close it was. I was lucky. My friends have been lucky. But it could have been anyone. ANYONE.
And I can just imagine the relief that my parents and grandmother were feeling, because me in my sister are both in Finland at the moment. We could have been there too.
I was surprised to get messages from very old friends, with who I haven’t been in contact for years, and who didn’t know that I was in Finland… They wanted to know if I was okay, and if my sister and my friends were okay too. That touched me very very much.
And I was also waiting messages from other friends from who I got anything, in Brazil for example. But then I thought, Brazil is far. People who have never been in Paris, or in Europe, don’t feel the events in the same way. It doesn’t touch people who don’t know anything about the place…. That’s also why I think it’s totally normal that in Europe everybody are so chocked about what happened in Paris, but not about what happened in Beirut just before. Of course it’s as horrible, when it happens somewhere else, and every life is as important, and every death as sad. But it’s normal to grieve more something that we knew. That’s why I understand that my Brazilian friends haven’t asked me anything about Paris.
I’ve been missing Paris a lot last days. I’ve been feeling culpability and sadness to not being there. Even I know the ambiance is probably so horrible that it’s better to not be there. I’ve felt that I should have been there with my friends, the people with who I share the love for that city. Luckily I have my sister here, with who we’ve been talking and sharing the same feeling.
So that was my last week-end at home, before heading to Lapland. Now, I’m at the airport in Helsinki. My heart is still in Paris and I don’t really realize that I’m going to the north, even further from France and the city I used to live… Which is probably not the same anymore.